Since my visit to Whole Village, I can't seem to think of anything else. It has led to some soul-searching and some tough questions I'm asking myself, things like "How well do I really get along with people?" and "Do I even like people?" How selfish am I? What are my motivations? How dedicated am I really to sustainable living? How attached am I to stuff? Am I getting too old and rickety to take on a physical labour-based life? How do I want to spend my remaining years?
I think if I had found this place twenty years or even ten years ago, there wouldn't have been any debate; I'd jump in with both feet. But one of the things that is making me hesitate now is the thought that I haven't been alone with my husband in about 28 years, and with an empty nest on the horizon, do I really want to move into a community of twenty or thirty people? I think I want some time alone with my husband for a while first. Maybe after a few years, after we've travelled all we want to and done some things we've talked about together and we're growing tired of each other's company (ha!)then I'd be ready to take on a community. But it sounds cozy to have it be just me and him, at least for a while, and I've been looking forward to it.
I guess that's a good thing to realize, isn't it? At the same time, I don't want to miss this opportunity, because it doesn't sound like openings come up very often at the farm. And I definitely know I love the farm.
Of course, I also have fallen in love with a lot of real estate over the years and have pictured myself living in all kinds of places leading all kinds of lives...The pick-your-own blueberry farm. The renovated Anglican church. The sweeping stone house. The cottage overlooking the lake. The bright and airy condo. The Tiny House. The Mid-Century Modern.
I like a lot of things. Can I commit to just one for the rest of my life?
I suspect not.