Conflicting Wants

We've been invited to a wedding up north, for which my husband will play the bagpipes. It's a four-hour drive and will include a two-night stay in beautiful cottage country, with kayaking and good food and friends. I'm excited about going and have been mentally packing for days.

At the same time, it means leaving my Velcro dog behind with my son. I know it won't kill him (or my son), but still, I've rarely been away from Brio, especially in the past five years since Covid. It also means leaving my garden, where tomatoes are still ripening and bean pods are still drying. Again, it won't harm anything to leave it for a few days. 

I love to travel and explore new places. I did a semester in Wales and I've gone to Italy a couple of times. I've been the the sub-Arctic and the American West. I've been to Hawaii multiple times. I dream of exploring the Maritimes, the Yukon, British Columbia. Further afield, I wish I could visit New Zealand and Ireland and Iceland. I keep my suitcase in my bedroom closet, where it's ready to snatch and go at a moment's notice.

I also hate leaving home. I dig my roots deep into my garden, I surround myself with my books and yarn and loom, and I feel I could snuggle down and never move an inch ever again. When I'm at home, I wish I were up at the church we're renovating, and when I'm at the church, I wish I were at home. The pull is so uncomfortable that I've considered selling one of the properties to avoid that conflict.

How to reconcile these two opposite attractions? Why can't I just be content being wherever I am? I think part of it is a control issue -- I micromanage everything, to my own irritation, and I want to be here making sure it all ticks along as it's supposed to. While I yearn for adventure, I also yearn for stability and comfort. So...

I'm going to try to practise being in the moment, right here, wherever I am. I don't have to choose which I like best, I can just enjoy whatever I'm experiencing right now. I tell myself this, but somehow it doesn't ever resolve itself.