My husband and I have developed the habit of walking 6 kms most mornings, shuffling around the mall with a herd of other seniors because the weather's too nasty to walk outdoors. I don't know if it's having any effect on our cardio fitness, but it does give us an hour and a half each day to just yack. And yack we do, on every topic under the sun.
This week, I expressed to him the weird "limbo" I've felt I'm in since losing my job. I haven't found another one, and to be honest, I don't really want another one, but I feel a bit lost and routine-less without one. My former job was never the defining thing about me and I didn't enjoy most of it, but after 40+ years of doing it, it feels strange to suddenly stop. I've always wanted to retire, but being forcibly "retired" without having a say in the matter or control over the timing is discombobulating.
Now I'm in this gray area---am I retired? Is that it and I'm done with that part of my life? Do I keep looking for something? Do we just figure out the finances and settle for something part-time to top up the coffers as needed? I think because it happened without being my choice, I feel like I can't choose now to say I'm officially retired. It's like standing at the starting line of a race, waiting for the gun to go off, but the gun never comes, and you realize everyone else is already running and you've taken a couple of steps over the line but aren't committed yet... Do I need someone's permission to say I'm retired now? Do I need my own?
Anyway, after quite a lot of this sort of irritating talk, my husband turns to me there in the mall, holds his hands out toward me, and shouts loudly, "Shazam! You're retired!"
It made me laugh and a few people stare, but you know what? It helped!
I keep listening to Alan Frew's Canada's Song, especially the line that says "Free to be a dreamer, free to be who you are, free to believe in your star, free to go far..." Who I am is a writer and a gardener, and I want to support myself doing those things. I'll find a way to do that, and I'll stop searching for another admin job, because that's not who I am. And somehow now I feel like I've got permission to go after those things, the life I want. Even though, really, that permission resided within me the whole time.
Have a listen:
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