Tuesday, 3 January 2017

It's back to work we go...

I went back to work on Monday. And now it's only Tuesday. And I'm already pawing through my new 2017 calendar to see when my next vacation day is. Funny how quickly we get used to sleeping in, lying around, flopping around in our comfy clothes. Seeing the daylight. Wandering in our own yards. Breathing at a leisurely pace.Taking the time to bake. You know, all the little things we don't get to do once we're back at work. I ride the bus in the dark, work in an airless cubicle (even the manager calls it her sensory deprivation tank), and come home in the dark. It's hard to stay motivated and cheerful, when all you want to do is curl up in fetal position under your desk and rock back and forth. Or start tunneling out with a spoon.

Once a year I have to sit down with my main boss (I have ten) for my performance evaluation. I always do well, but I seem to go blank when they get to those questions at the end: "What ambitions do you have?" Well, none, really. I have no interest in climbing any corporate ladders. The only climbing I want to do is Mount Timpanogos, and only then if I have a canteen and a picnic basket. "Where do you see yourself in five years?" Honestly? Barefoot on a beach, far away from you.

Except you can't say such things. So you spew the usual claptrap about goals and initiatives and strategic directions and aligning your personal endeavours with the dashboard blah de blah blah and you get your pat on the head and your annual raise and that sinking feeling in your soul that you're going to one day die at your cramped little desk and they'll file you away under "Redundant" and some other bright young thing fresh out of school will take your place and you have no way to warn her. Run, bright thing! Go do something else. Something you love. Something that will feed your heart and your brain. Something that will matter to the world, matter to you.

There. It's all out now. I feel better. It's not that bad, really. It pays well and the people are super nice and kind, and it's a good organization to work for. It just isn't outdoors. Or creative. Or heartwarming. But it serves its purpose and it's supposedly teaching me endurance and patience. Only 16 years to go! And Family Day off in February.

Going to bed now, so I can get up at 4:15 and grope my way out to the bus in the dark.

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